Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
