I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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