Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
