and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
