And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
