soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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