I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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