There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
