i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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