It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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