dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
