i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
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