I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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