Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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