i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize