I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
