I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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