I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
