I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
