Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
ttyl tear gas
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
