yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
