i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
