A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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