A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Randomize
