fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
