my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize