I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
