I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
