Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
