drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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