You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
