I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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