she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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