considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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