God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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