I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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