No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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