My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
