some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
