i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
