Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
