There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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