he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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