You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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