its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
