I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
