he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'd cum for enchiladas.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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