Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
