The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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