the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
