Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
