Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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