Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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