I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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