I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's shark week go big or go home
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
