Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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