Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
