You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
