Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we're making bets on your personal life
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
