thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
