Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
