my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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