I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
