wat bout pragnant strippers??
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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